Outside Joke/Transcript
Brent Leroy: Oh, they're here! They're here! Oh, man, I'm as giddy as a... Wanda Dollard: Ninny? Brent: No. Wanda: Boob? Brent: Not quite. More than ninny, less than boob. Wanda: Why are you so jacked up over a batch of windshield washer fluid? Brent: Maybe this will answer your question? Wanda: Aaah. Nope. Brent: Well, it's red. The old stuff was blue. We used to sell blue, now we're selling red. Wanda: Wow. I hope we don't get trampled in the rush. Davis Quinton: Hey. Check this out. I can see my house from outer space. Karen Pelly: Cool, huh? Fitzy got us an onboard computer. It, it's like in Knight Rider, where KITT had that computer. Brent: KITT was the computer. Karen: No. KITT was the car. Brent: KITT was the car and the computer. Karen: How can a car be a computer? Davis: It even comes with a GPS, that's Global Positioning System. Brent: Cool. Are we still third from the sun? Davis: No. Well, I mean yes. But this tells us where we are on the globe. See? We're at Corner Gas. Brent: That's a heck of a rig. Karen: I was sure KITT was the guy. Brent: No, the guy was Knight Rider. Davis: Hang on. This is weird. The town line is here, and Corner Gas is over here. Brent: What? Davis: The gas station isn't actually in Dog River. Karen: Ah, you're right. The guy's name was Michael Knight. Lacey Burrows: See? This was supposed to be picked up yesterday. Fitzy Fitzgerald: The garbage truck's broken. Until it gets fixed, everyone's gonna have to live with some garbage. Lacey: Oh, this stinks, Fitzy. This literally stinks. Fitzy: What am I supposed to do? I, I'm just the mayor. Hank Yarbo: I'll take your garbage. Lacey: Hank, you don't have to do that. Come on in. I'll give you some food. Fitzy: I think he means he'll take the job. Lacey: Huh? Oh. Of course. Fitzy: How much would you charge? Hank: Charge? Oh, charge. Yeah. Uh, a thousand bucks. Fitzy: I have twenty dollars. Hank: Twenty-five. Fitzy: Done. Hank: What a rube, uh? Lacey: That's exactly what I was thinking. Oscar Leroy: Stupid bank. Are they still calling me Omar? Emma Leroy: Yes. But you'll be glad to know the bank made a mistake and owes money to Omar and his wife Elna. Oscar: Who's Elna? Emma: Some idiot who shouldn't have married Omar. Actually, it's good news. We get a credit of over 300 bucks. Oscar: You mean like a bank error in our favour? Emma: Yeah. Maybe next month you'll win a beauty contest and collect fifty dollars. Oscar: Yeah. Who knows? Lacey: So The Ruby's in Dog River, but Corner Gas isn't? Karen: Computers don't lie. We're in Dog River now, but if we went through those doors, God knows where we'd be. Wanda: You'd be in the can. It's a door to the bathroom, not a vortex to another dimension. Karen: Yeah. Well, it's a vortex to outside the town border. Davis: Hey, check this out. Here comes Fitzy. This is gonna be great. Wanda: What will be great? Davis: I played a practical joke on him. Fitzy: Somebody slashed the tires on my car. Karen: You slashed his tires? Davis: Pretty good gag, uh? Brent: Did they move the town border? Wanda: And why would they do that? Brent: I don't know, taxes. Tax reasons, probably. It wouldn't surprise me if it was taxes. Typical. Wanda: You're probably right. Stupid government. Things are hummin' along and they throw a wrench into the mix. Brent: Exactly. Wanda: Then there's a bunch of paperwork and extra costs. Brent: Sing it, sister. Wait. Extra costs? Wanda: Yeah. Like my per diem. Brent: Your what? Wanda: You know? Provincial Labour Code. I'm what they call a non-regional employee now, so you have to pay me a per diem. Brent: Get out of town. Wanda: I am out of town. So you're supposed to pay me an extra $20 every working day. Brent: What? That's ridiculous. You've been workin' here for years. Wanda: I know. And technically you're supposed to back date it and pay me for the previous years too. Brent: Forget that noise. I'm startin' your per diem as of today, and that's it. Wanda: Stupid government. Lacey: So how's the garbage man? Hank: It's not garbage man. That's insulting. Uh, we prefer the term janitorial, I mean custodial worker, civic custodial worker engineer technician. Lacey: Wow, that does have a nice ring to it. Hank: Yeah. You can tell a lot about people when you collect their garbage, especially if you take time to rifle through it a little bit. My point is, people just think of it as garbage. But, really, it's like a wet sticky bag of half rotten clues. Lacey: Oh, that is lovely. Hank: Take Bill Watrous, for example. That's guy's got commitment issues. Lacey: Because he throws away garbage? Hank: Bag after bag of microwave popcorn. Can't commit to the time or effort it takes to pop it the real way. Just wham, bam, thank you, Orville. Lacey: I use microwave popcorn. Hank: Big surprise. Karen: Slashing someone's tires is not a practical joke. It's serious, and impractical. You pulled an impractical serious. Davis: My jokes are just too complex. You don't get 'em. Karen: Complex? Like last April Fools? Emma: What the hell? Davis: April Fools! Davis: That was a good one. Karen: Look, let me explain how this works. Practical jokes involve planning and layering and subtle... Davis: Gotcha! Karen: This is going to take more explaining than I thought. Emma: What are you doing? Oscar: Shredding our bank records. Emma: Well, we're not exactly a major corporation. Oscar: Hank's goin' through everyone's garbage. If he finds out we have that extra 300 bucks, he'll be all over us. Emma: Oh, cut them vertically too. Oscar: There. Now Garbage Boy won't know how much money we got. Hank: Hey, Brent. Your parents are loaded. Check out what I found in their garbage. You don't throw away a hat this nice unless you got some serious coin. Brent: Or fashion sense. Hank: Yeah. Karen: You've bought a lot of stupid things, but I have to say, these are pretty cool. Davis: Hey, Lacey, you should check them out. They make faraway things look close up. Lacey: I'm not falling for that. Karen: For what? Lacey: Davis and his practical jokes. I try this, I get big rings around my eyes. And then he throws somethin' at me. Lacey (phone): Hello, The Ruby. Hello? Lacey: Oh, I hate it when that happens. Ruby Customer: Nice face, Lacey. Lacey: Thank you. What? Oh. Oh, okay, Davis, you got me. Davis: Well, I am the master of the practical joke. Karen: That was my joke. Lacey: Oh, come on, Karen, let Davis have his due. Davis: You like the way I misled you with the binoculars? Lacey: That was pretty smooth. Karen: Smooth because of me. Hank: Hey. What's in the bag? Emma: A piano. Hank: As if. Look, you don't want to tell me, you don't have to. Emma: I know. Hank: Is it something exotic? Oscar: Watch your mouth. Hank: I said exotic. Oscar: And I said watch your mouth. Emma: Why would it be something exotic? Hank: Oh, uh, no reason. I just thought, um, if money were no object. Oscar: What? What about our money? He knows about the money. Emma: He does now, poker face. Hank: You don't have to be embarrassed about your wealth. I could be rich. I choose not to be. Emma: Good choice. And we're not rich. Hank: Don't worry, your secret's safe with me. Al Goar (Foo Mart Fellow): How's Mr. and Mrs. Trump today? Hank: That could mean anything. Brent: I heard you got punked. Lacey: Yeah, Davis pulled a good one. Karen: It was my joke. Lacey: Hey, you want some lunch? Brent: I'd love some lunch. I just can't afford it. Lacey: Oh, come on. The special's only 4.99. Brent: That's like 8.99 more than I have. These new employee regulations are killing me. Lacey: Well, you'll just have to juggle the budget a bit, maybe spend less on advertising. Brent: Advertising? Why? I should take this patch off my shirt? Lacey: In business there are only two choices, lower your expenses or increase your revenue. Brent: You're completely overlooking bankruptcy and insurance fraud. Fitzy: What's the deal with the red windshield washer fluid? Brent: Look, in business you have two choices... Fitzy: And where's the dill pickle chips? Here in Dog River we like dill pickle chips. Brent: Here in Dog River? I was born in Dog River. I was eatin' dill pickle chips when I was two months old. Lacey: Brent. Don't yell. We don't care for that boisterous behaviour, here in Dog River. Davis: Hey, I was thinkin' we should pull off another practical joke. Karen: Well, let me know how it goes. Davis: What? You can't bail now. We're partners. You're the ideas and I'm the partner. Karen: Yeah. Take all the credit and leave me twisting in the wind like a, like a... Davis: Hey, we should pull a gag on Phil at the bar. Karen: I want to say pinwheel, but that doesn't really twist. Davis: We could rub dog poop on the door handle, so when he opens it, his hand will be covered in dog poop. Karen: From slashing tires to dog poop. You've come a long way. Davis: Ya think? Karen: No. Does a kite twist in the wind? Oscar: What the hell is this? Brent: It's windshield washer fluid. It's the same as the blue stuff, it's just red. Oscar: Why's it so cheap? Does it work? I can't believe you'd sell somethin' that doesn't even work. Brent: Of course it works. I'm not gonna sell something that doesn't work. Oscar: You sold me that stupid fishing reel that didn't work. Brent: And I gave you your money back, didn't I? Oscar: No. Brent: Stay on topic. This is about the washer fluid. Oscar: I don't trust it. Why is it red? Brent: I don't know. Maybe it's cinnamon. The point is, it's less expensive. Oscar: Since you moved the gas station out of town, you think you can do whatever you want. I don't even know you anymore. Brent: I'll miss you. You try and help some people. Wanda: I know. It's almost like they want you to take advantage of them. Oh. Brent: What's this? Wanda: It's the receipt for my lunch at The Ruby. You know, Labour Code. Employer must pay for a minimum of three lunches per week. Or maybe it's four. I should look it up. Brent: No. No, no, I, I'm pretty sure it's three. I shouldn't have to pay for two desserts. Wanda: I shouldn't have to choose between two desserts. Stupid government. Oscar: Lacey, you gotta do somethin'. Lacey: About what? Helen Jensen: Brent, and this devil juice. Fitzy: It's not actual devil juice. Oscar: It's not cinnamon, that's for sure. It wasn't even minty. Lacey: Oh. Is this about the windshield washer fluid? You guys really have to roll with things better. Oscar: It's no surprise, really. Who knows what he gets up to way out there in the boonies. Fitzy: Lacey, you run a business here in town. You know how things work. Talk to him. Lacey: Well, that might be a little...wait. You think I'm one of you? Oscar: Plus you're emotionally closer to him than we are. Lacey: He's your only child. You've raised him since birth. Oscar: Exactly. I'm done. Lacey: I suppose it wouldn't hurt to have a friendly little chin wag with him, make him see our point of view. Lacey: You're the crazy outsider with the hare-brained ideas and I am the trusted local with all the common sense. Huh? In your face! How do you like it? Oh, yeah. Whoo-hoo! Hank: That's not cool. Brent: Hey, are you gonna take my garbage? Hank: Aw, sorry, bud, you're not in town. I only pick up for locals. Common sense. Emma: Hey, Karen, we heard about the practical joke on Lacey. Oscar: I wish I coulda seen Davis pull that one off. Karen: Well, it was my idea. Emma: Well, yeah, I'm sure you helped out. Karen: I didn't help. I came up with the whole thing. I created it. I wrote and produced the entire joke. Emma: Yeah, okay. Karen: Don't you remember the one I pulled on Wanda last year? Wanda: Aaach! Who the heck put sardines in my car? Karen? Davis: You got somethin' on your shirt. Wanda: What? You better hope your gun is loaded. Oscar: Whipped cream in the face, brilliant. Where does he come up with that stuff. Karen: From someone in preschool? Emma: And the beating Wanda gave him after was pretty funny too. Karen: Those aren't practical jokes. Tow Truck Driver: Geez, this wiper fluid's expensive. Brent: Yeah? Well, the people around here are nuts for it. Tow Truck Driver: In Pit Creek it's like two bucks cheaper. It's red, but we deal with it. Brent: Oh, you're from Pit Creek. Hey, uh, we're in the same municipality. Tow Truck Driver: We should have a parade. Brent: I'm just sayin'. Tow Truck Driver: And I'm just leavin'. Brent: Oh, hey, before you go, answer me this. When you work outside of your region, how much per diem do you get paid? Tow Truck Driver: Per diem? Who am I, Van Halen? Brent: I don't know all the rules. The gal who works for me just kinda tells me how much I have to pay her as we go along. Tow Truck Driver: When you said that just now, did it sound stupid to you? Brent: Kind of. You've been very helpful. Karen: Okay, we're gonna do another practical joke. But this time you're not gonna leave me twisting in the wind like a...you know, by now you'd think I would've thought of something. Davis: Are we gonna put dog poop on Phil's door? Karen: No, cooking oil. Davis: Cooking oil and dog poop? Karen: Just cooking oil. It makes the doorknob slippery so he can't open it. Davis: Maybe I'll bring some dog poop just in case. Emma: I just want him to stop going through our garbage. Hank: So, I suppose if I were the mailman, you wouldn't want me going through your mail either? Emma: Have you been reading our mail? Hank: Only the stuff you throw out or the stuff I think you're gonna throw out. Yes. Fitzy: Look, I don't like it either. But the garbage truck's transmission is shot. Emma: So pay to have it fixed. Fitzy: Rich people like you always think it's just a matter of throwing money at the problem. Emma: We're not rich! Hank: Musta heard about the blue hat. Lacey: Oh, this is great. Hangin' out with my fellow locals. Emma: You feeling all right? Lacey: Oh, yeah. Very at home, as anyone would, who's from around here. Davis: Check this out. Hey, Phil, can you open the door? It's a bit stuffy in here. Phil Kinistino: You bet. Emma: Good joke, Davis. Oscar: Another classic. Karen: And just for the record, this is my joke. I thought of it. It's mine. Phil: Hey, what's on the door? Karen: I know. It's slippery, right? Phil: It's, it's burning. Is this canola oil? I'm allergic to canola oil. Karen: Mine and Davis's idea. Emma: Karen, how could you? Karen: You see, Davis and I are a team. Oscar: Way to ruin Davis's joke. Lacey: That is not how we locals do things here in Dog River. Brent: New speakers for your car? Wanda: Labour Code 174, Subsection b. "No employer shall make an employee from another municipality drive to work listening to a crappy stereo." It's under Car Allowance. Brent: Stupid government. Hey, who would you hire between these two? Wanda: Aahhk. Shaffon? Anyone with that name's gonna be high maintenance. And this one...wait. We're hiring? Brent: Well, I am. I mean obviously I have to replace you. Stupid rules. If you only have one employee, that employee has to be from the region. It's Labour Code, you know, Section 1999, paragraph 11 through 14, subchapter K. Wanda: Oh, yeah, that one. Brent: Yeah, it's a shame, too. You and I have had some good times. I can't think of an example right now. But drop by for a coffee if you're ever out this way. Wanda: You know, travel allowance, speakers, they're more of a guide. I do believe per diem is actually Latin for "suggestion." They're, uh, they're not written in stone. Brent: They're not written in here either. Wanda: Oh. So you can read. Right. Well, I've got some speakers to return. Brent: Boy, all this readin' can sure make a fella hungry. Wanda: Would you like me to pick you something up from The Ruby? Brent: Oh, are you buying? Wanda: Stupid government. Karen: How was I supposed to know Phil was allergic to canola? If you're allergic to canola, get outta Saskatchewan. Davis: I wanted to use dog poop. Lacey: That woulda been funny. Phil: Here's your change, guys. Karen: His hands seem okay. Emma: Almost like he's not allergic at all. Davis: July Fools! Gotcha! Karen: What are you talking about? Lacey: This whole thing was a joke, just to get you. Emma: Yeah, and he got you good. Karen: What? The, the Phil gag? Lacey: Uh-huh. Karen: And the phone trick? Lacey: Oh, yeah. Even Fitzy's tires. Karen: You got your tires slashed for a joke? Fitzy: Or did I? Davis: It was actually an elaborate illusion. Here's how we pulled it off. Davis: Hey, go in there and say your tires are slashed. Fitzy: Okay. Davis: Okay, maybe not elaborate. But it worked. Oscar: Oh, ho, ho, yeah. Hank: Geez, Lacey, your garbage at home's way more interesting. Lacey: Well, thank you. But you can leave that. Hank: Oh, well. I couldn't call myself a sanitorial janitation technologist if I did. Fitzy: Actually, Hank, your services will no longer be required. Hank: What? You can't do this. This is who I am. When people think of trash, they think of me. Lacey: And I don't think that's gonna change. Hank: It's nice of you to say, but... Fitzy: Sorry, Hank. I fought for ya, but people raised some legitimate concerns. Emma: We'll give ya a hundred bucks to fire Hank. Fitzy: Two hundred. Oscar: Two fifty. And that's our final offer. Fitzy: Done. Let me just say, on behalf of the town, we appreciate rich people like yourself throwing money at the problem. Oscar: I woulda gone as high as 300. Emma: Tell it to the bank, Omar. Lacey: So that's what my house looks like from outer space. Davis: It kinda makes you think how tiny and fragile life is here on Spaceship Earth. Lacey: No, it just looks browner than I thought. Show me The Ruby. Davis: Okay. There's Dog River. There's the border. Now we zoom out. Karen: That's weird. Now all of Dog River's outside of Dog River. Lacey: Ah, that doesn't make sense. That line didn't move. Is that a crack? Davis: No. It's a line. Karen: Caused by a tiny separation in the glass following some kind of impact. Brent: So all this was caused by a lousy crack? Lacey: I know. Can you believe Davis put us through all this? In particular me through all this. Brent: Well, don't worry. I've got a plan to get him back. Category:Transcripts